Watch Ice-T Pop People Who Hate On His Metal Band

Body Count is back.

Posted in Videos

SKETCH: “Awkward-Off” – Sasquatch Comedy

Sasquatch is back and more uncomfortable than ever when Danny and special-guest Tony Revolori face-off to see who’s the most awkward guy at the party.

FUN FACT: As a background actor in this, I was supposed to “pretend to drink beer.” Nine real beers and a couple of Jack Daniel’s Honey handle pulls later, I was “asked to leave the shoot” after “throwing up on the soundguy.” Sorry, Cody. [Subscribe to Sasquatch Comedy]

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SKETCH: “How To Make A Website w/ Tech Tim”

Meet Tech Tim, the lonely web development teacher with an unhealthy Sabrina the Teenage Witch addiction. [Subscribe to The3rdTriumvirate]

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COMEDY ROUNDUP: Too Damn High

Despite being the drug du jour, weed isn’t for everybody. Even the pros can recall that time when they took one hit too many that lead to feelings of intense paranoia, social anxiety, and eyelids saggier than my 4th grade wardrobe.

This week’s comedy roundup pays tribute to that guy we all know who can’t hang with Mary Jane. With shorts featuring Louis CK, BOAT Comedy, and the most hilarious dude to ever don a Mike Vick jersey, you might want to hold off on that bowl of a couple of minutes…

#1. Stoned at Disneyland

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Disneyland might be the happiest place on earth, but things take a turn when these guys add weed to the equation. Who knew that Snow White and Pluto could be such dicks?

2. Stoned Driving Test by Boat Comedy

The worst part of being high in public is the constant fear that other people will know. But what if all those other people are also as high and paranoid as you? And in a car. Proctoring your driving exam. [Subscribe to BOAT Comedy]

3. Smoking Pot by Louis CK


Thanks to master cannabis breeders, today’s pot is 40x stronger than the schwag your parents used to smoke. Apparently nobody told this to Louie. [Subscribe to Louis CK]

Posted in Sketches

SKETCH: “Hip Hop History” – Portlandia

“You had Grandmaster Flash, Sugarhill Gang–”
“Were they really a gang?!”

In my favorite sketch from Season 4 of Portlandia, Fred comes to the shocking conclusion that he “missed hip-hop.” There’s some real funny stuff in here, from a pitch-perfect Jay-Z impersonator to Fred’s creative interpretation of what “ODB” stands for.

Watch More Portlandia Here

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“Caution” – Special Dogs [Hip-Hop]


WARNING: You ain’t ready for the Special Dogs.

Premiere single with Adrian Melters x Nawah x Past Life x Micah Beats. Mixed by me.

Hands down the sickest verses I’ve heard all year.

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SKETCH: “Mad Men Drinking Meeting” – Sasquatch Comedy

I used to think the amount of alcohol consumed at the workplace in Mad Men was pushing it, that is, until I stepped into Nolan North’s boardroom (aka the voice actor who starred in every PSOne game you’ve ever had). Read more ›

Mad Men Drinking Meeting” by Sasquatch Comedy

Starring: Nolan North, Danny Jolles, Zach Webber, Jack Quaid, Nick Williams, Alex McKhann, George Primavera, Zoe Worth, Sophie Simpson

SEE MORE: Subscribe to Sasquatch Sketch Comedy

 

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SKETCH: “Easter vs 420″ – 3rd Triumvirate

Easter fell on 4/20 this past year, which left religious tokers with some tough decisions to make… Read more ›

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Rap Beef Timeline: Snoop, Cam’ron, and Ludacris vs Bill O’Reilly

bill_snoop_camron_luda
Bill O’Reilly, like your ornery grandpa, doesn’t understand why the kids like “the rap music.” What with all of those fast words and beats and bops and guns and marihuana talk– not to mention it’s too goshdurn loud! And don’t get him started about those blacks!

Unlike your grandpa, Bill happens to have his own talk show on Fox News where he can taunt those very rappers that he despises so much. But when you mess with hip-hop’s heavyweights like Snoop Dogg, Cam’ron, and Ludacris, you’re bound to be bit back!

For entertainment’s sake, I’ve scoured the web to give you a semi-exhaustive timeline of three of Bill O’Reilly’s most popular rap beefs, complete with the relevant show clips, interviews, and songs that go along with them.

JUMP TO: SNOOP * CAM’RON * LUDA

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March 29, 2007 – In response to O’Reilly calling Snoop a “wiseguy” in one of his segments, Snoop Dogg takes to Dutch talk-show Jensen! with a few choice words for Bill– the few being “fuck Bill O’Reilly,” “he’s a muthafuckin’ prick,” and “suck my dick.”

At 2:28 – “They don’t understand me, y’know. They don’t understand how his kids just love Snoop Dogg and he don’t really get it, so instead of him trying to hold an interview with me to better understand me, he’d rather try to bash me in the media, y’namsayin? He could just basically have a conversation with me and get on one-on-one with me… I’d love to get on his show. We’d have to do it in my neighborhood though… so I can kick his muthafuckin ass myself.”

March 30, 2007 –  O’Reilly retorts on his “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day” segment.

At 0:52 – “Yeah, like Calvin lives in the ghetto. Is the poolboy gonna beat me up there, Snoopy? And of course he’s welcome to come in here to the ‘No Spin Zone’ but we do have drug testing. To not have it would be ridiculous.”

2008 – After reading a mangled quote from Snoop’s interview with The Guardian (“The KKK gave Obama money…They was one of his biggest supporters…”), O’Reilly gives “Mr. Dogg” his coveted title of “Pinhead”:

At 0:44 – “Good grief. Is this what smoking pot leads to?”

September 2012 – O’Reilly continues taunting “the despicable Dogg” for openly smoking the devil’s lettuce with his 18-year-old son.

At 0:30 – “If it were up to me, I’d have you arrested.”
 
2013During the 2013 Kennedy Center Honors, Bill O’Reilly gives an introduction to a Herbie Hancock tribute video. Also sharing the stage is none other than Snoop Dogg, who, probably out of respect to Herbie, gives Bill a quick handshake at 2:17.
Beef Status: Still Questionable
Winner: TBD

JUMP TO: SNOOP * CAM’RON * LUDA

Cam’ron and Dame Dash

“You maaad?”

November 2003In a segment dedicated to how gangsta rap is detrimental to inner-city youth, O’Reilly “moderates” a debate between a principal (who’s admittedly a fan) and a jeering Cam’ron (“who raps about pimping and bitches”), along with his producer Dame Dash. Aside from being one of the most hilarious interviews in history, this segment also gave birth to the classic “U Mad?” meme.
March 2009 – In an interview with The Life Files, Cam’ron shares that he’d be more than prepared for a second appearance on The O’Reilly Factor. Unsurprisingly, Bill has yet to comment. In Cam’s words:

At 11:20 – “If they ever invite me, I would love to come back… I get a lot of people on the street who still tell me, ‘I loved you on Bill O’Reilly’ but whenever he invites me, definitely, I’d go back especially now since I know what type of person he is, I didn’t know who Bill O’Reilly was before I got there and that was my first time. I had never watched the show before. I never knew what type of person [he was], that was just me being me. But not that I know what I’m dealing with, I’ll be even more prepared.”

Beef Status: Unclear
The Winner: Killa Cam

JUMP TO: SNOOP * CAM’RON * LUDA

Ludacris

“It’s the moral of the day, Sway: Luda don’t start shit… I only finish it.”

Bill O’Reilly’s most high-profile rap beef came along shorty after Pepsi recruited Ludacris to star in one of their commercials targeted towards urban youth, possibly to sway them away from that godforsaken Sprite swill. Here’s the spot that started all:
August 28, 2002 – After getting wind of Ludacris’ new sponsorship, O’Reilly asks all Americans to boycott Pepsi for daring to employ such an “immoral” human being. In Bill’s words:

“I’m calling for all responsible Americans to fight back and punish Pepsi for using a man who degrades women, who encourages substance abuse and does all the things that hurt particularly the poor and our society… I’m calling for all Americans to say: “Hey, Pepsi! I’m not drinking your stuff!” (via Smoking Section)

August 29, 2002 – Caving to backlash, Pepsi yanks Ludacris from their ad campaign the very next day, citing “a number of people that were uncomfortable with [Pepsi’s] association with the artist.” Luda is pissed. (via People)
October 7, 2003 – Ludacris releases his third album Chicken-n-Beer. Many tracks take shots at Bill O’Reilly, including “Blow It Out (Ya Ass)“:
At 1:57 – “Shout out to Bill O’Reilly, I’mma throw you a curve / You mad cause I’m a thief and got away with words // I’mma start my own beverage, it’ll calm your nerves / Pepsi: The New Generation – BLOW IT OUT YA ASS!”
 “Screwed Up

Fuck you, fuck yoooou / Fuck you, fuck yoooou!

And my personal favorite, “Hoes in my Room,” featuring a later-targeted Snoop Dogg:

At 3:20 - “I know who let ‘em in, it was Bill O’Reilly! (Faggot! Y’all white bread chicken shit nigga!)”

2003 – Ludacris appears as the first-ever guest on MTV’s short-lived The New Tom Green Show where he’s invited to catapult Bill O’Reilly’s books into a dumpster. Although Tom points out that he had to actually buy a bunch of Bill’s books to pull off the stunt, Luda still seems very pleased.
December 7, 2004 – Ludacris releases his fourth album Red Light District with the hit-single “Number One Spot.” The track pokes fun at Bill’s sexual harassment lawsuit filed against him by his former Fox producer. Fun fact: This is the same case where O’Reilly was allegedly recorded saying he wanted to stroke her nether-regions with a falafel.

At 0:42 – “Respected highly. Hi, Mr. O’Reilly! / Hope all is well, kiss the plantiff and the wifey!”

2010 – Ludacris confronts Bill O’Reilly at a White House event. After being scared shitless, Bill agrees to cut a sizable check to Luda’s charity. Here’s Ludacris discussing the altercation on Sway in the Morning:

“The first thing I said to him was, ‘I want to meet the guy who has had so much to say about me, but knows absolutely nothing about me’… I identified that I wanted to speak to him when I saw his name on the guest list. I looked at what table he was on, and I walked my ass straight to that table. He wasn’t expecting to see me, at all. The look on his face when he saw me approaching… priceless. From there, we came to a common ground. To be honest with you, we came together and did an event for charity – as crazy as it sounds.” (via SOHH)

Or as Sway eloquently summed it up:

“So let me put this in layman’s terms: you pretty much bitch-slapped Bill O’Reilly and pimped him out!”

Beef Status: SQUASHED
The Winner: Ludacris

JUMP TO: SNOOP * CAM’RON * LUDA

 
 
Posted in Articles, Originals Tagged with: , , , , , ,

NSA Reveals Their Secret Files on Me

tuba_nsa
After hearing about the PRISM scandals in the news, I immediately sent a letter to the NSA demanding that they divulge all of the information they’ve gathered on me. Little did I know that they knew more about me than I know about myself!
Here’s a copy of their response:

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Dear Mr. Tuba,

This is a response to your Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for all records on you. You may be aware that one of the NSA/CSS missions is to collect, process, and disseminate communications for intelligence or counter intelligence purposes and to support military operations.

While the NSA has determined that you pose no threat to national security, you are clearly a burden to anyone unfortunate enough to interact with you. A selection of the data collected goes as follows:

Cellular Phone

NSA Agents have logged the following textual communications.

5/12/12: You sent a text message containing the text Ima terrorize dat pussy to the number (REDACTED) only to immediately send the texts Oh shit oh shit oh shit, nonononono, and Omg wrong number. PLS ignore these grandma followed by we still on 4 brunch tho?twenty-two minutes later.

12/3/12: To (REDACTED), you sent the text “literally just dropped a bomb in your bathroom bruh #sorryimnotsorry” and attached a picture that’s frankly too disgusting to reproduce here. The NSA recommends that you increase your fiber intake and really cut down on the corn.

1/4/13: You sent the text “why do you keep on ignoring me?” fourteen times to (REDACTED), a home phone number that cannot receive text messages.

Email

8/31/12: You sent yourself a series of emails containing images of what the NSA initially believed to be purported terror suspects.


After gathering more data, we quickly realized that these were candidates for your “Beard of the Week” column. Honest mistake, really. In our defense, everything looks more menacing in black and white.

Google

The PRISM Database has flagged the following searches as suspicious:

  • how to build a bomb ass dank ass bong out of stale bread”
  • “can you 3d print a new dad”
  • fake id for giraffe”
  • “stop crying tips”
  • “petting sleeping chinese baby illegal?
  • “words that contain ass twice that arent assassinate
  • “gianna michaels cumpilation”
  • “size of obamas dick”
  • smuggle cocaine to mexico in hat”
  • “do all lesbians love salad”
 
After some internal review, we have decided to stop monitoring your communications. Not because we don’t see you as a threat to our nation’s safety, but because you are pretty pathetic and really bumming us out.
 
So long, chump!
–The National Security Administration
Has the NSA been snappy towards you too? Tell me (@itstubatime) about it on the Twitters! At this point, I’m glad they didn’t mention anything about the selfies…
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