Body Count is back.
Sasquatch is back and more uncomfortable than ever when Danny and special-guest Tony Revolori face-off to see who’s the most awkward guy at the party.
FUN FACT: As a background actor in this, I was supposed to “pretend to drink beer.” Nine real beers and a couple of Jack Daniel’s Honey handle pulls later, I was “asked to leave the shoot” after “throwing up on the soundguy.” Sorry, Cody. [Subscribe to Sasquatch Comedy]
Meet Tech Tim, the lonely web development teacher with an unhealthy Sabrina the Teenage Witch addiction. [Subscribe to The3rdTriumvirate]
Despite being the drug du jour, weed isn’t for everybody. Even the pros can recall that time when they took one hit too many that lead to feelings of intense paranoia, social anxiety, and eyelids saggier than my 4th grade wardrobe.
This week’s comedy roundup pays tribute to that guy we all know who can’t hang with Mary Jane. With shorts featuring Louis CK, BOAT Comedy, and the most hilarious dude to ever don a Mike Vick jersey, you might want to hold off on that bowl of a couple of minutes…
#1. Stoned at Disneyland
2. Stoned Driving Test by Boat Comedy
The worst part of being high in public is the constant fear that other people will know. But what if all those other people are also as high and paranoid as you? And in a car. Proctoring your driving exam. [Subscribe to BOAT Comedy]
3. Smoking Pot by Louis CK
Thanks to master cannabis breeders, today’s pot is 40x stronger than the schwag your parents used to smoke. Apparently nobody told this to Louie. [Subscribe to Louis CK]
“You had Grandmaster Flash, Sugarhill Gang–”
“Were they really a gang?!”
In my favorite sketch from Season 4 of Portlandia, Fred comes to the shocking conclusion that he “missed hip-hop.” There’s some real funny stuff in here, from a pitch-perfect Jay-Z impersonator to Fred’s creative interpretation of what “ODB” stands for.
WARNING: You ain’t ready for the Special Dogs.
Premiere single with Adrian Melters x Nawah x Past Life x Micah Beats. Mixed by me.
Hands down the sickest verses I’ve heard all year.
I used to think the amount of alcohol consumed at the workplace in Mad Men was pushing it, that is, until I stepped into Nolan North’s boardroom (aka the voice actor who starred in every PSOne game you’ve ever had). Read more ›
Easter fell on 4/20 this past year, which left religious tokers with some tough decisions to make… Read more ›
Unlike your grandpa, Bill happens to have his own talk show on Fox News where he can taunt those very rappers that he despises so much. But when you mess with hip-hop’s heavyweights like Snoop Dogg, Cam’ron, and Ludacris, you’re bound to be bit back!
For entertainment’s sake, I’ve scoured the web to give you a semi-exhaustive timeline of three of Bill O’Reilly’s most popular rap beefs, complete with the relevant show clips, interviews, and songs that go along with them.
At 2:28 – “They don’t understand me, y’know. They don’t understand how his kids just love Snoop Dogg and he don’t really get it, so instead of him trying to hold an interview with me to better understand me, he’d rather try to bash me in the media, y’namsayin? He could just basically have a conversation with me and get on one-on-one with me… I’d love to get on his show. We’d have to do it in my neighborhood though… so I can kick his muthafuckin ass myself.”
March 30, 2007 – O’Reilly retorts on his “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day” segment.
At 0:52 – “Yeah, like Calvin lives in the ghetto. Is the poolboy gonna beat me up there, Snoopy? And of course he’s welcome to come in here to the ‘No Spin Zone’ but we do have drug testing. To not have it would be ridiculous.”
2008 – After reading a mangled quote from Snoop’s interview with The Guardian (“The KKK gave Obama money…They was one of his biggest supporters…”), O’Reilly gives “Mr. Dogg” his coveted title of “Pinhead”:
At 0:44 – “Good grief. Is this what smoking pot leads to?”
September 2012 – O’Reilly continues taunting “the despicable Dogg” for openly smoking the devil’s lettuce with his 18-year-old son.
At 11:20 – “If they ever invite me, I would love to come back… I get a lot of people on the street who still tell me, ‘I loved you on Bill O’Reilly’ but whenever he invites me, definitely, I’d go back especially now since I know what type of person he is, I didn’t know who Bill O’Reilly was before I got there and that was my first time. I had never watched the show before. I never knew what type of person [he was], that was just me being me. But not that I know what I’m dealing with, I’ll be even more prepared.”
“It’s the moral of the day, Sway: Luda don’t start shit… I only finish it.”
“I’m calling for all responsible Americans to fight back and punish Pepsi for using a man who degrades women, who encourages substance abuse and does all the things that hurt particularly the poor and our society… I’m calling for all Americans to say: “Hey, Pepsi! I’m not drinking your stuff!” (via Smoking Section)
At 1:57 – “Shout out to Bill O’Reilly, I’mma throw you a curve / You mad cause I’m a thief and got away with words // I’mma start my own beverage, it’ll calm your nerves / Pepsi: The New Generation – BLOW IT OUT YA ASS!”
“Fuck you, fuck yoooou / Fuck you, fuck yoooou!“
At 3:20 - “I know who let ‘em in, it was Bill O’Reilly! (Faggot! Y’all white bread chicken shit nigga!)”
At 0:42 – “Respected highly. Hi, Mr. O’Reilly! / Hope all is well, kiss the plantiff and the wifey!”
“The first thing I said to him was, ‘I want to meet the guy who has had so much to say about me, but knows absolutely nothing about me’… I identified that I wanted to speak to him when I saw his name on the guest list. I looked at what table he was on, and I walked my ass straight to that table. He wasn’t expecting to see me, at all. The look on his face when he saw me approaching… priceless. From there, we came to a common ground. To be honest with you, we came together and did an event for charity – as crazy as it sounds.” (via SOHH)
“So let me put this in layman’s terms: you pretty much bitch-slapped Bill O’Reilly and pimped him out!”
This is a response to your Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for all records on you. You may be aware that one of the NSA/CSS missions is to collect, process, and disseminate communications for intelligence or counter intelligence purposes and to support military operations.
While the NSA has determined that you pose no threat to national security, you are clearly a burden to anyone unfortunate enough to interact with you. A selection of the data collected goes as follows:
NSA Agents have logged the following textual communications.
5/12/12: You sent a text message containing the text “Ima terrorize dat pussy“ to the number (REDACTED) only to immediately send the texts “Oh shit oh shit oh shit“, “nonononono“, and “Omg wrong number. PLS ignore these grandma“ followed by “we still on 4 brunch tho?” twenty-two minutes later.
12/3/12: To (REDACTED), you sent the text “literally just dropped a bomb in your bathroom bruh #sorryimnotsorry” and attached a picture that’s frankly too disgusting to reproduce here. The NSA recommends that you increase your fiber intake and really cut down on the corn.
1/4/13: You sent the text “why do you keep on ignoring me?” fourteen times to (REDACTED), a home phone number that cannot receive text messages.
8/31/12: You sent yourself a series of emails containing images of what the NSA initially believed to be purported terror suspects.
After gathering more data, we quickly realized that these were candidates for your “Beard of the Week” column. Honest mistake, really. In our defense, everything looks more menacing in black and white.
The PRISM Database has flagged the following searches as suspicious: